April Fool

For the whole month, it seems.

I’m quite bored. No games are holding my interest, no job opportunities to earn money from and no desire to go out drinking or anywhere else. I have a lack of appetite, become horribly unfit, unhygenic and frankly uninspired. I’m feeling irritable for no real reason other than what I assume to be my subconscious protesting against the rut that I’ve slid into. The only positives are that I’ve been driving a little bit more (wow…) and that I’m not gaining any weight (but a lot of muscle has atrophied).

It’s not that I’m having a hard time, it’s that I feel like I have absolutely nothing to do. I should study more Estonian, read more books and force myself to exercise, but I’m too comfortable wallowing in my own apathy.

Poker has been a joke this month – mostly due to my mental state, I believe. I’m consciously making an effort to improve in that area, but why not in others? I don’t know. Maybe I find it more challenging.

Marika’s busy studying for her exams. I hope she passes. I feel pretty lousy because my mental downswing has nothing to do with how she’s behaving (it’s just me), yet I’m sure I’m putting out weird vibes that are affecting her. She’s still being her delightful self as usual, thankfully. She also seems to be coping well under the pressure to simultaneously complete her bachelor’s work and cram for exams. Perhaps it has something to do with leaving her favourite song of the month on permanent loop (or maybe that’s why I’m in a sour state).

I think part of my mood is due to feeling rather… isolated. There’s not really a lot for me to do here and I feel kind of excluded from a lot of things due to my lack of Estonian fluency and being a foreigner who finished school years ago. Sure, our flatmates and local friends are nice and I like them but something seems to be missing. Some kind of common ground. I’m looking forward to moving back to Tallinn for a few months and I’m also looking forward to returning home. I don’t think home will be particularly exciting, I’m just getting nostalgic. I’m concerned Marika will have a similar experience in Australia to my current one. I will need to find a way to remedy that if it occurs.

I’ve lost contact with a lot of friends from Australia or they’ve moved elsewhere, so the social side of life will be a challenge. I still don’t know what I’ll actually do when I get back. I’ll probably have to just go with the flow. Like always.

Well, don’t I sound like a lot of fun to know?

On a lighter note, here’s a list of things beginning with “I”:

  • I’ve begun reading the Dune series (yet again). I’m still not very far into the first book (yet again).
  • I’m also reading Darkly Dreaming of Dexter and have had more progress due to keeping it in ebook form on my phone.
  • I powered through the entire series to date of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia with Marika in about a week. We both enjoyed it.
  • I watched the first episode of TV series, Rome, last night. I intend to watch the rest, although I find the British accents on Roman characters distracting.
  • I’m trying to sit through all the classic western movies. I’ve only gone through about 3 or 4.
  • I’m swearing off all store-bought beers except Walter. It’s cheap, reasonably tasty and effective.
  • I can’t think of anything else worth writing.
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